April 09, 2017

India: A paean to the Hindu rashtra (Saba Naqvi)

The Tribune

I will bet all my mutton (not beef) that the Yogi is on his way to becoming a cult figure like Che Guevera.

Boy O Boy, I’m so excited these days. The Hindu Rashtra has arrived and it’s really cool man. We don’t have to tax our brains too much, just discuss cows from morning to night. There’s a cow here and a cow there and some buffaloes in between. And risen from the ashes of a modern nation state is an apparition called Yogi wearing the coolest clothes. He’s one hell of a dude: young, tough, and articulate. Besides the clothes, sure to set off a fashion trend, there’s the clean shaven hair do.

I was most impressed after I switched on my TV and saw an interview with his barber who revealed that every morning at 7 am, he asks Yogi if he wishes to get a hair-cut or wants a shave. And sometimes in the evening, he inquires again if he wants a shave. It turns out Yogi has a shave every Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. Really neat stuff and so brave of the media to unearth such earth-shattering news!

I am so fascinated that I will bet all my mutton (not beef) that the Yogi is on his way to becoming a cult figure like Che Guevera. So what if Che tried to bring about a revolution and wore that trendy beret; Yogi has the robes and his very own revolution with a private army to boot. Even the personal conduct is worth emulating: He’s chucked out all the air conditioners that those fraud Yadav socialists were using in the chief ministerial house in Lucknow.

And courtesy another TV channel, I have learnt that he eats papaya and gram for breakfast. That’s exactly what I eat, so who knows we can call it our new composite (or compost) culture. Imagine, Hindus and Muslims all eating papaya. As for me, let me reveal a little secret; before I get to the papaya and gram, I do 24 surya namaskars each morning (honestly jokes apart) so clearly the Hindu Rashtra cannot get to me. I do Yoga, and Yogi is in charge, so I’m safe and may even declare myself a Yogini.

Please understand that if Yogi made hate speeches in the past it was as a form of advanced Yoga that always ended in Om Shanti Om (There’s always dualism in more evolved beings). Please see the tender side to the Yogi too. He lovingly tends to his cows in the gaushala at Gorakhpur and what’s more there are Muslims in charge there and seriously, they don’t end up eating the cows. Can you imagine how amazing that is: Muslims who don’t go around killing and eating cows! That’s the Yogi effect. And just in case you are not impressed check out Yogi posing with a tiger. Google search it. My sources tell me that this particular Tiger would never dream of eating cow and reportedly has a taste for grass and drinks Ganga jal.

There are some people who are getting afraid of the Hindu Rashtra and unnecessarily spreading panic. They think it’s out to subjugate Muslims and subvert that useless principle called secularism. Hello, don’t they know that secularism was a pseudo exercise anyway and that Muslims need to learn that they can’t keep saying talaq, talaq, talaq just so that they can relieve themselves of unwanted wives and set off to conquer innocent maidens through Love jehad? They’ve been doing it ever since Allauddin Khilji set eyes on Rani Padmavati and those who say Padmavati did not exist, better check their facts with Sanjay Leela Bansali. If Devdas existed so did Padmavati so the intellectuals better shut up. As it is the Hindu Rashtra has no use for them.

Still, some people keep saying they are having a panic attack. To them I would advise putting up a quote of the Buddha in capital letter: “We are shaped by our thoughts. We become what we think.” I would also point out that they can’t be sent to the abattoir since they are closed anyway, but they could find cases filed against their tweets. The Hindu Rashtra really does come into its own on social media.

In addition I would advise the pseudo secularists to reboot their minds and see it as the arrival of a real Hare Rama Hare Krishna moment (but don’t get stoned and Dum Maro Dum). Just take a chill pill, relax and watch the cows graze before they come home to roost. Close your eyes and see the idyll: yogis and sanyasis in charge, cows grazing in the fields, damsels protected by virtuous men. If you can’t visualise it, check out Amar Chitra Katha comics but don’t read Shakespeare or you will have questions about the use of Romeo’s name.

Just recognise that India has been reincarnated. Henceforth the national imagination shall see visions of a glorious Ram Mandir and cows will be more sacred than humans. That’s all there is to it. That’s why I say, bring it on.