Daily O
Rewriting history so Hindutva brigade doesn't have to
The British were good, Hitler was best and the Wright brothers copied the design for their airplane from Lord Rama’s Pushpaka Vimana.
| 7-minute read | 13-02-2017
That history belongs to the victors is an often
repeated adage. George Orwell was of the opinion that the most
effective way to destroy a people is to deny and obliterate their own
understanding of their history. In India a political party is victorious
every five years, hence Indian history is rewritten every five years.
Since the BJP - and by proxy the RSS - is currently in
power, they are shaping history in their Savarna image because why the
hell not? After all, when you repeat a lie long enough, it starts
becoming the truth for some. Everyone knows our exes were the crazy ones
who just had to be dumped.
Narendra Modi thinks plastic surgery originated in India
because "we worship Lord Ganesh. There must have been some plastic
surgeon at that time who got an elephant’s head on the body of a human
being and began the practice of plastic surgery”.
This is not some cockwomble mumbling to you after a night
out on MDMA; this is the PM of India who gets to have control over the
narratives that will be broadcast under his reign.
Last year, school syllabus in Rajasthan erased
Jawaharlal Nehru’s role as India’s first prime minister and the fact
that Mahatma Gandhi was assassinated by Nathuram Godse, a Hindu
nationalist, was skimmed over.
Last week, three senior Rajasthan ministers proposed to the
Board of Studies that changes should be made in history textbooks to
show that Maharana Pratap won against Akbar’s army.
Bollywood director Sanjay Leela Bhansali was recently
assaulted by the Karni Sena over his depiction of the fictional queen
Padmavati. A few days back, RSS head Mohan Bhagwat said
everyone born in India is a Hindu (if everyone in India is Hindu, then
why has the RSS been getting their chaddis in a twist over issues such
as minority populations and "love jihad"? Hindu-Hindu bhai-bhai?).
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| RSS head Mohan Bhagwat (left) with PM Narendra Modi. |
Who needs academics and historians who dedicate their whole
lives to research when you can have the bright minds of Mohan Bhagwat
(degree in animal husbandry) and Smriti Irani (PhD in inter saas-bahu
relationships) telling you their version of history?
It seems facts don’t matter anymore if you can convince
enough people that the version they’ve been given was part of an
elaborate conspiracy. Napoleon Bonaparte said “history is a set of lies
agreed upon” and, even if no one agrees with them but their own
supporters, BJP/RSS seem hell bent on pushing their "alternative facts"
onto the unsuspecting masses by applying the
there-is-no-smoke-without-Muslims approach to research.
Turning myth into history and history into myth is not an
easy task. The BJP has a lot of work cut out for them so I would like to
suggest some edits to school syllabus that could possibly help them
speed up the saffronisation of Indian history:
1. The bravery of true freedom fighters KB Hedgewar and MS Golwalkar
Everyone seems to think the RSS was completely absent from
the Indian independence movement. This is nothing but lies spread by
pseudo-intellectuals. Very few people know this but, while Congis like
Gandhi and Nehru and Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel were fighting the British,
the RSS, under the leadership of Hedgewar and Golwalkar, was busy
making the first prototypes of the Shake Weight™, a revolutionary breakthrough in strength training.
Americans later stole their ideas but it is well documented
that Golwalkar used to lock himself for hours at end in his room for
"research". According to RSS leaders, true freedom was freedom from
flabby underarms which could be attained “if you just shake it. Back and
forth. No batteries”.
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| Everyone seems to think the RSS was completely absent from the Indian independence movement. This is nothing but lies spread by pseudo-intellectuals. |
2. The British were good
The RSS never fought the British because according to them
the British were a sweet and affectionate people. The Jallianwala Bagh
was not a tragedy but a misunderstanding. Who told those people to go on
a picnic even after Colonel Dyer’s orders? The Bengal famine was also
not the fault of the British. Those Leftist Bengalis were just too lazy
to work and make a living.
The British gave so much to India like the Victorian laws
pertaining to sedition, homosexuality, adultery and limits to freedom of
expression (all of which are applied presently by the BJP). In fact,
according to the RSS, the British were simply AirBnb guests who had
overstayed their welcome by 200 years.
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| The Jallianwala Bagh was not a tragedy but a misunderstanding. Who told those people to go on a picnic even after Colonel Dyer’s orders? |
In his memoirs, the third chief of RSS, Balasahab Deoras, narrates an incident when Hedgewar saved him and others from following the path of Bhagat Singh and
his comrades. Apparently Hedgewar asked him: “Why fight the British
when you can simply take credit for it and give certificates of
patriotism 70 years later? Now join me in the bathroom and bring your
raincoat.”
3. Hitler was good
Golwalkar always argued that Hitler was a good man whose
heart was in the right place. Sure, to maintain the racial purity and
culture of Germany he killed some six million Jews but when you want to
make an omelette, you have to crack some eggs.
According to Golwalkar, “Germany has also shown how well
nigh impossible it is for races and cultures, having differences going
to the root, to be assimilated into one united whole, a good lesson for
us in Hindustan to learn and profit by. Ever since that evil day, when
Moslems first landed in Hindustan, right up to the present moment, the
Hindu Nation has been gallantly fighting on to take on these
despoilers.” Beautiful words that bring a tear to the eye.
4. The Mughal Empire vs Hindu Kings
Muslims were foreign invaders and hence were bad, okay?
Sure, the British were foreigners too but let’s not get into all that.
Until the Mughals came about, all kings in India used to meet annually
on the 14th of February and play Antakshari. It was under Akbar the
Great (Akbar the Average to his wives) that the Mughal Empire spread a
little, until he was stopped by Maharana Pratap who beat him in the
Great Dance-Off of Haldighati with an impromptu Moonwalk.
After this, Maharana Pratap ruled over the whole of India
ever after, because of course he did. Akbar’s grandson Shah Jahan was
hired as an interior designer to make the Maharana a giant villa that
has come to be known as the Taj Mahal.
Elsewhere, Aurangzeb, a Hindu born in India, sent Shaista
Khan and Mirza Raja Jai Singh to meet Shivaji in a restaurant for
negotiations. But Shivaji had hid a gun in the bathroom prior to the
meeting and shot them both point blank and made an escape to the Deccan.
5. Adanis and Ambanis
It is a well known fact that the Indus Valley Civilisation
was thriving because of two trader tribes. The Adanis had complete
control over the Great Bath at Mohenjo Daro where they used to give
massages to visiting sailors from Persia. The Ambanis, on the other
hand, had monopoly over a large granary that archaeologists refer to as
Harappa Fresh.
These tribes were so resilient that their descendents can
still be found conducting business in modern-day Gujarat. Like
cockroaches that survive a nuclear attack, these buoyant tribes outlived
the Indus Valley and continue making money while everyone around them
goes bankrupt.
6. Indian inventions
There are far too many scientific breakthroughs and
inventions that took place in ancient India. For example, few people
know that the microwave oven was actually invented under the reign of
Ashoka the Great (Ashoka the Average to his wives) or that liposuction
was first conceived when Gautama Buddha was saddened by a drunk man
calling him chubby. Since everyone born in India is Hindu, Akbar can be
credited with holding the first TED Talks at Ibadat Khana.
Tipu Sultan, another Hindu, came up with the first
prototype for cheese-graters when he was torturing Mangalorean
Catholics. The recipe for gobi manchurian can be traced back to the time
when Yudhishthira came across some cauliflower and ajinomoto during the
Pandavas’ exile.
It is a well known fact that the Wright brothers copied the
design for their airplane from Lord Rama’s Pushpaka Vimana but what
many people don’t know is that the Vimana had more legroom, great
in-flight entertainment and free check-in baggage allowance up to 30kg.
